Toys from the ’70s and ’80s That Were Totally Unsafe (And Totally Awesome)

If you're like me—a proud, slightly jaded Gen X’er—you probably have a soft spot for the toys of our youth. And by “youth,” I mean that magical era before the internet, when we had lead paint, skin-melting metal slides on the playground, and lawn darts. Also trauma—but we didn’t talk about it.

Anyway, back to toys.

The 1970s and 1980s gave us some gloriously bizarre, occasionally dangerous, and deeply memorable playthings that have mostly gone the way of payphones and affordable housing.

So here’s a nostalgic trip down memory lane—complete with mild judgment, wistful longing, and a generous sprinkle of WTF:

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Six Million Dollar Man
Based on the hit TV show where a dude with robot parts does slow-motion karate chops. I had the action figure (yes, action figure—not a doll, don’t even start) and his villain Maskatron, who could change faces like a budget Mission: Impossible character. Truly peak espionage tech for eight-year-olds.

Micronauts
Tiny sci-fi action figures with a lore so complex it made Star Wars look like an episode of The Love Boat. Discontinued by Mego in the '80s—probably because micro also described their market share.

Micro Machines
Basically Hot Wheels on a sugar crash. Super small, super detailed, and advertised by that one fast-talking guy who clearly did not breathe between sentences. If you stepped on one barefoot, you knew pain.

Stretch Armstrong
A corn syrup-filled beefcake who could stretch his limbs like a yoga instructor possessed. Not a smart toy, but there was just something satisfying about slowly pulling his arms until your sibling screamed.

Big Jim
Mattel’s answer to Barbie, but manly. Came with a camper, karate-chop action, and a suspiciously flexible sense of masculinity. Basically, Ken if Ken could punch you and drive a truck.

Clackers (aka Click-Clacks)
Two hard acrylic balls on a string that you’d smash together until they shattered, exploded, or knocked you unconscious. Banned in 1976 because apparently hurling hard spheres at your own face wasn’t as safe as it sounded

Speak & Spell
A plastic orange box that taught spelling with the soothing tone of a possessed calculator. Discontinued in the '90s, but made a cameo in that one OMD song, so it lives on—in synthpop glory.

Jarts
Also known as lawn darts. These were essentially miniature javelins that you threw toward your friends and hoped for the best. Amazingly, this toy was sold as family fun. Small children, sharp metal projectiles—what could go wrong?

Pound Puppies
Soft plush dogs with the vibe of a hungover uncle. Sad, droopy eyes and a general sense of melancholy—perfect for preparing kids for the crushing weight of adult life. You could “adopt” them, which was adorable and depressing.

GoBots
Transforming robot toys released before Transformers, but sadly remembered as the RC Cola of the genre. Same idea, less flair, more plastic regret. They tried.

Sure, some toys like Lite-Brite and Cabbage Patch Kids still exist—if you count those plasticky reboots with none of the charm and all the app connectivity. And yes, you can still buy an Erector Set, but it’s all plastic now. The original was metal. You needed tools. It made you feel like a tiny engineer, or at least like you might accidentally saw your finger off. Character-building stuff.

Of course, the rise of digital entertainment and “safety standards” (eyeroll) helped wipe these glorious oddities off the map. But their legacy? Eternal. Tucked somewhere between your VHS copy of Goonies and the faint smell of SpaghettiOs, they live on—in memory, and in the occasional overpriced eBay auction.

Because we’re Gen X. We remember. We survived. And dammit, we still want our Clackers.