On a quiet Wenatchee autumn evening, with the Cascade foothills glowing gold and the Columbia River below Pybus Market, Maria and Tom sat together on their backyard porch swing. They had a small disagreement about holiday plans—whether to invite her big, lively family from Yakima or keep it simple with just their kids. The discussion turned heated and quickly got out of hand. Their voices grew louder, and words came out sharper than they meant.
Tom felt tense, wanting to win the argument.
Then he remembered something he’d read in an old magazine at the coffee shop, advice from psychologists about staying calm during arguments. He paused and took a deep breath.
Disagreements occur via Canva
Disagreements occur via Canva
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How can we stop arguments from getting out of control like that?

One important step is to pause before reacting and to pick our words more carefully. The good news is that there are some simple phrases that can help slow things down and keep the conversation on track.

Here are a few things that are much more helpful to say during a fight.

  • “Help me understand what you mean by that”
  • “I hear you, and I want to respond to that carefully”
  • “That’s not what I was trying to say. Can I try again?”
  • “I think we’re both saying something important here”
  • “I want to fix this more than I want to be right”
  • “Can we pause for a second? I’m not going anywhere, I just need a minute”
  • “What do you need from me right now?”
  • “I think I got defensive just now. Let me try that again.”
  • “I care about this because I care about you”
  • “I don’t think either of us is the enemy here”

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