Why Fruitcake Has Defenders and Eggnog Needs Rules

Christmas is here, and I know this because my playlist has abandoned all dignity and fully committed to a lifestyle choice involving a plush, crushed-velvet, two-piece suit with white fur trim. As I write this, someone is crooning about chestnuts, the house smells like peppermint hot cocoa, and my brain is running a highlight reel of the season’s edible icons. Figgy pudding. Mince pies. Eggnog. Fruitcake.

December, for reasons lost to history, logic, and possibly a very long lunch meeting, is both Eggnog Month and Fruitcake Month. Which means it’s time to revisit two holiday staples that inspire strong opinions, spirited debates, and at least one relative who insists, every single year, “No really, it’s good this time.”

Let’s begin with the heavyweight champion of holiday controversy.

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Fruitcake: The Doorstop With Feelings

Fruitcake is a treat people either love or aggressively avoid. There is no middle ground. Nobody has ever said, “Yeah, I guess I’ll have some fruitcake.” You are either defending it with the intensity of a medieval knight sworn to protect the realm, or you are using it as the punchline to every December joke since, well, forever.

Why Fruitcake Has No Middle Ground

For those who genuinely enjoy fruitcake, there are countless recipes available, and once you find one you like, you cling to it like a monkey to a banana. Fruitcake bakers are loyal to their recipes. This is the cake. The cake that survived the experimental years. The cake that didn’t end up quietly “forgotten” on the counter. The cake that shall forever be referred to as my fruitcake. Because when the naysayers descend, and they will, you will utter with radiant defiance, “But you haven’t tried… my fruitcake.”

What Fruitcake Is Actually Made Of

The origins of fruitcake are generally credited to England, although historians seem noticeably less confident than fruitcake fans. What everyone agrees on is what it is: a dense, heavily spiced cake packed wall-to-wall with dried or candied fruits and nuts. There is very little actual cake involved. The batter is more of a suggestion. A binding agent. Structural support. Think fruit and nuts with a light cake glaze holding hands.

Fruitcakes are baked at lower temperatures than most cakes, usually between 275 and 300 degrees, for an extended period of time. Two to three hours is common. This is not a cake you rush. This is a cake you commit to. You clear your schedule. You make peace with the fact that this thing is going to be in your oven longer than some of your past relationships.

Because of the long bake time, shiny or glass pans are recommended. Dark pans may lead to edges that resemble charcoal briquettes, which does nothing to improve fruitcake’s already delicate public image.

Pans are typically lined with wax or parchment paper, and this is not optional. Skip this step and you won’t be removing a cake so much as conducting an archaeological dig. Fruitcake does not forgive shortcuts. It remembers.

Once you find a fruitcake recipe you love, you will make it every year, defend it loudly, and insist people “just try a little piece.” Otherwise, they don’t know what they’re missing. And frankly, that’s on them.

Eggnog: Delicious, Dangerous, and Not Fixed by Rum

Now let’s move on to eggnog, the creamy holiday beverage that tastes like Christmas but occasionally comes with a public service announcement.

Why Eggnog Needs a Food Safety Disclaimer

Many classic eggnog recipes call for raw eggs, which modern food safety experts would very much like you to stop doing immediately. Raw eggs can carry salmonella, and nobody wants their holiday memories flavored with regret, Pepto-Bismol, and a trip to the ER.

The safest option is to use pasteurized eggs. Pasteurization gently heats eggs to kill bacteria without changing the flavor or nutritional value. It is science quietly saving your holiday while asking for nothing in return.

The FDA recommends starting eggnog with a cooked egg base, especially if you’re serving children, pregnant women, older adults, or anyone with a weakened immune system. In other words, anyone you didn’t meet five minutes ago.

To make the egg base, combine the eggs with about half the milk from the recipe and add sugar if called for. Cook the mixture gently, stirring constantly, until it reaches 160 degrees. At this point, the custard will coat the back of a metal spoon. This is your cue that it’s done, not your cue to lick the spoon. Restraint is festive. You can celebrate your restraint later with a glass of eggnog. Not this eggnog, though, because you’re not done yet. Again, restraint.

After cooking, chill the mixture before adding the rest of the milk and any additional ingredients. Some people believe that adding rum, whiskey, or other alcohol magically makes raw eggnog safe or better. Sadly, alcohol is not a tiny hazmat team. It will not reliably kill bacteria in contaminated eggs, no matter how confident you feel holding the ladle. This is not a “booze fixes everything” scenario, despite decades of anecdotal evidence from that one uncle who also believes duct tape is a medical solution.

Does Alcohol Really Make Eggnog Safe

And alcohol does not eggnog make. An eggnog purist will tell you that booze is a Johnny-come-lately to the eggnog party, showing up late, talking too loud, and immediately making everything about itself. Eggnog existed long before someone decided it needed to be “elevated.” It was already rich, indulgent, and a little weird. In other words, it was doing just fine.

There was a time when eggnog came in a glass carton, was poured without irony, and no one asked what proof it was. We drank it, nodded politely, and moved on with our lives. Nobody needed a cocktail menu. Nobody needed to “improve” it. And nobody pretended alcohol was a substitute for basic food safety.

If you want to spike your eggnog, go ahead. You’re an adult. You survived the 1980s with minimal supervision and questionable decision-making. You’ve earned that right. Just don’t pretend the booze is doing the heavy lifting. Cook your eggs properly, chill the base, and add alcohol because you like the flavor, not because you think it’s performing some kind of holiday alchemy.

Why Holiday Food Traditions Never Change

The moral of the story is simple: start with good ingredients, prepare them safely, and don’t rely on magical thinking or a generous pour to save the day.

Fruitcake may be divisive, and eggnog may require a thermometer, but they both belong to the season. I hope you find time this December to enjoy your favorite holiday treats, whether that means savoring a carefully baked fruitcake or pouring a responsibly prepared glass of eggnog.

And if neither appeals to you, there’s always figgy pudding.
Because nothing says Christmas quite like pretending you’ve always loved figgy pudding.